Darkest Before the Dawn
by HiddenPanda13
Summary: It's been 2 years since the Penhallow's rescued Sebastian Verlac from himself and he can't express how grateful he is, but the identity he gave up still haunts him. Sometimes finding home happens when you stop looking for it. WARNING: Violence, underage sex, rape/non-con, possible drug use and prostitution. Ratings and summary tags may change.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: Trigger Warning.  
I don't own any of these characters.**

 **I love Jonathan's character in the Mortal Instruments books but it was green eyed Jonathan i had fallen in love with the idea of. He was the boy who never got to truly live and I have wanted to see what he was like just as a normal person. He goes through a lot of hardships but gets to find a way to keep living. He gets a chance to find his place and really be happy. There will be multiple chapters and i really hope to finish this fic.**

Sebastian Verlac had been through many things in his 21 years of life, finding a family had been a thing he had long since given up. He hated being lonely but he was afraid of losing the little bit of happiness he had finally found. The Penhallows have been the only thing close to a real family Sebastian ever had. Jia and Patrick being the mother and father he had always hoped for. Their daughter, Aline, being the sister he never knew he wanted. They had saved him at the lowest point in his life. He was scared to tell them how grateful he really was. Scared that if he told them he cared for them as much as they cared for him, they would be taken away.

The dream of waking up in a warm bed, of sitting down together for a meal, of being comforted by a hug when his own mind threatened to push him back to his life 2 years ago; would all disappear and he would be back on the streets, or locked away in his mother's basement or being abused by his father again. How could he tell them he loved them when he was constantly lying about who he was?

His somber, green eyes stung with the threat of tears at the thought of them turning him away if they knew who he really was. Maybe that's why he kept his pale blond hair dyed black. There was no room for Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern in his life now. Jonathan was long dead now, another lie he liked to tell himself. His past and name liked to haunt him even know. As long as Sebastian lived so did Jonathan.


	2. Teacher

****First of all TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter for multiple reasons and if you continue to read you will determine why. Just treat all the chapters from here on out as trigger warnings. Sorry this took so long to update. I haven't had a whole lot of time to work on this story and when i was just about done with it, I hadn't liked it so i started over. I'm still not completely satisfied with this chapter but i am my own worse critic lol but i am determined to get it out there. I can't tell you all when i will update again but just know that there will be another chapter. Thank you for any and all who like my story.****

 **Teacher**

The hour was 6:54 AM, the sun was just peaking out from behind the cover of red on the horizon. Jonathan Morganstern hadn't gotten much sleep that night. His nightmares preventing any kind of rest and covering his mood with a blanket as black as the charcoal that now coated his fingers. The drawing pad in front of him depicting the cawing crow standing in front of his open window. His green eyes would flick up to the bird here and there, the crow would cock its head to the side and gave a few clipped squawks. Jonathan gave it an amused smirk.  
"Alright, fine. You're always so impatient." He told the crow. Setting down the charcoal pencils, he reached into the drawer of his nightstand and poured the rest of a bag of sunflower seeds on the window seal.  
Hugin, the name Jonathan had dubbed him, observed the small pile before looking back up at Jonathan accusingly. He just shrugged. "I'm sorry, that's all i had left!" He shook his head mildly amused about getting scolded by a bird. "Keep up your end of the deal and I'll have you more tomorrow."  
Hugin's feathers ruffled undignified then proceeded to peck at the seeds. Jonathan gave his only friend a fond smile before picking up his pencil and continues his drawing. He just finished the picture when his bedroom door opened, revealing his father, Valentine Morganstern. Hugin immediately flew away, back towards his nest somewhere in the woods. Jonathan silently envied the bird.  
He was reluctant to see the bird go but turned his attention to Valentine. "What is it, father?"  
Valentine's dark eyes flicked from his son to the open window. "Get cleaned up. Your tutor is here." He ordered before going towards the window and snapped it shut, locking it. "I won't tell you again to quit letting that damn bird inside. Next time, I'm nailing it shut. Got it?"  
Jonathan winced at the thought of having to turn away Hugin. He knew he would figure another way around his father. Nevertheless, he gave him a nod. "Yes, sir. It won't happen again."  
"Good, now hurry up and get down to the library." Valentine made his way back across the room. "I have to go out for a few hours. I'll be back later tonight. You be on your best behavior."  
Jonathan did his best not to give away his relief. Any time he didn't have his father breathing down his neck made him breathe easy.  
Jonathan gives a nod. "Yes, father." Not like he gave him much of a choice, he thought. He set his drawings aside and stood, starting to make his way to the adjoining restroom. A smirk tugged at his lips. "Did you break down and finally get a date?"  
The tease earned him a dark glare from his father. The back of Valentine's hand came across Jonathan's cheek with a loud clap. His head snapped to the side, almost throwing him off balance. Black and white spots danced in his vision, his cheek and jaw strung. Faster than he could recover, his father pulled him closer by the front of his shirt, their faces barely an inch away from each other.  
"I won't have you insult your mother like that again." His voice was low and full of warning. "I would trade you in a second if it meant she came back to me."  
Jonathan sent his own glare directed at his father. Green and dark eyes leveling with equal amounts of disdain. Unfortunately, for Jonathan, his father had always expressed what it was like to disobey him. It didn't keep Jonathan from stretching his limits though. Maybe it was a foolish but it was the closest he could get to any kind of rebellion against his father. Eventually, he nodded his understanding and Valentine released his shirt then walked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. He waited in a silence rage until his father's footsteps disappeared down the hall before picking up the closest thing he could grab, which happened to be a picture frame sitting on the nightstand, and hurled it at the wall. The frame broke apart on impact, the glass shattering to pieces.  
Jonathan tugged at his pale blond tresses of hair, taking a few deep breaths to regain his composure. He felt just about ready to tear everything apart, but what good would that do except anger his father further. The scars on his back seemed to sting, remembering the last time he had truly angered Valentine.  
With a shakey hand, Jonathan bent down to pick up the picture from the now broken frame and carefully laid it on top of the desk nearby. A woman with red hair and green eyes, that matched his own, stared back at him with a warm smile. Her amber locks blowing in the captured wind.  
"Sorry about that, mom." Jonathan softly spoke to the picture. Running his fingers fondly over the image, he tried not to think of how much he missed this woman he couldn't remember. Often wondered if she missed him too, wherever she was in the world. He often hoped maybe she would come back for him someday. He jerked his hand away, not wanting to think too deeply about that yet, and crossed the room to the bathroom.  
He walked out of his bedroom a few moments later, clean dark gray shirt, his hands mostly void of charcoal and the small cut on his cheek cleaned, he silently cursed the family ring Valentine had been wearing when he hit him, it was already leaving a bruise. Jonathan descended the stairs and turned into the main hallway where the doors to the library were wide open, waiting for him. His father and his tutor, Hodge Starkweather, were chatting casually when he walked in. Jonathan felt his stomach do a somersault.  
"Ah, Jonathan, finally." Valentine spoke, when he noticed his son, waving him over impatiently. "I'm running late. Now, I better not get a call about any disobedience, clear?"  
Jonathan's eyes flicked towards Hodge then back towards his father. "Yes, father."  
"Not to worry, old friend." Hodge walked over to Jonathan casually, and placed a hand on his shoulder. He took some sort of comfort from the touch. "He's a good lad. I'm sure there won't be any problems."  
Without even a final glance at his son, Valentine left, the library doors closing in his wake. He waited a few long moments for the front door of the house to slam shut before he turned to his tutor and was pulled into a tight embrace. Jonathan couldn't help but want to return.  
"I've missed you," Jonathan said. "Glad you're back."  
Hodge chuckled, amused. "I've missed you too, Jonathan." He pulled away, tipped Jonathan's face to the side, inspecting the bruise and cut. "You've been bad again."  
Jonathan shrugged, absentmindedly touching his injured face. "You know i don't like to hold my tongue."  
Hodge's hand moved to cup the back of Jonathan's neck, he felt a small rush of nervousness in his stomach, pulling his face closer. "Good thing i do." Hodge's mouth was covering his the next second, his tongue invading his mouth. Jonathan's back was pressed against the solid wood doors, cold hands traveling under his shirt giving him goosebumps. He closed his eyes and did his best to fall into the kiss. He felt, in some way, he had to be grateful for the contact even though it made him uncomfortable.  
Before Hodge could unbutton Jonathan's jeans, his hands found his wrists, stilling his hands. Their lips broke apart messily, Jonathan had to wipe saliva off his bottom lip. Both of them catching their breath.  
"Shouldn't we.. get to our lesson first?" He asked, twining his fingers with the others.  
Hodge gave a smirk. "Perhaps, but we do have all day." He traced his fingers across Jonathan's uninjured cheek. Jonathan closed his eyes softly, enjoying the caress. He heard Hodge chuckle before opening his eyes again.  
"You look so much like your father." He said, his comment making Jonathan tense.  
"You always say that." His lips pressed together in a thin line distastefully. Jonathan hated being compared to his father, and unfortunately, Hodge did that quite often. "You said you would speak with him today. About taking me with you back to the city." He reminded Hodge, hopeful. The answer would be the same as all the other times before but still he hoped.  
Hodge let out an irritated sigh and soothed his salt and pepper hair back on his scalp. His mood gone for the time being.  
"You know I have no power over what your father let's you do." Hodge plopped down onto a chair at one of the tables. "And we both know he wants you to stay here. Besides you're very smart for a boy of 15. Maybe he'll send you off to college once all your studies are done." He leaned back in the chair nonchalantly. Like they were discussing the weather.  
'Maybe' stuck into Jonathan's chest like a needle. Valentine was a very controlling man and Hodge knew that. Hodge wasted no time giving Jonathan his idea of affection but turned a blind eye when it came to the abuse he suffered at the hands of his own father. He knew his tutor's intentions where for his own pleasure, Hodge couldn't hide his affection from Jonathan. All he really cared for was playing with the toy that was almost identical to Valentine, minus his and his father's different eye color. Jonathan was sure his father would murder Hodge if he even tried doing to Valentine what he does to Jonathan.  
"Anyway," Hodge sat up again in the chair and began shifting through a history book. "Let's get this started before i change my mind."  
Several hours of studying passed without much incident but it hadn't lasted long. Soon Jonathan was pinned facedown on his bed, biting a pillow to muffle his groans with Hodge on top of him, arousal buried deep inside him. Jonathan's fisted the sheet on the bed, trying to deal with the uncomfortable feeling, wincing as fingers dug into his hips. He just thought of the bruises those fingers would leave, his mind not on the violation at all, only the aftermath.  
During times like this, Jonathan's mind felt numb as if he was in a dream or observing the acts of another person. For two years he endured the humiliation and he didn't really understand why. He wasn't weak, he could fight Hodge off if he wanted to. The empty feeling in his chest just seemed to grow with each visit. And for what? A few fleeting moments of pretending to feel secure in someone's arms. Arms he knew would rather pin him against the nearest surface and have their way with him than hold him while he felt like the world would burn around him. He endured because his mother was estranged and his father was cold and indifferent. Hodge was the only other person in his life he felt he could exploit for any such closeness.  
'To love was to destroy and to be loved is to be the one destroyed' is what his father would say. Well Jonathan didn't understand love so how could it destroy him? He didn't think he loved his father or Hodge and yet it felt like he was being destroyed on the inside and out. In a year he wondered if there would be anything left of him but a shell.  
The headboard of the bed knocked against the wall as Hodge's hips slammed against the back of his thighs, riding out the wave of his climax. With a final thrust it was over, to Jonathan's relief. A heaving chest covered his scarred back, hot breath landed on his neck before teeth sank into the side, making him wince.  
"Ow, fuck, stop!" Jonathan tried rearing his head back to throw him off. Hodge just laughed and pulled himself out of the boy belo him. Something warm ran down the inside of his thighs.  
Hodge plopped down on the bed beside him, lazily pulling Jonathan to him. Within seconds, Hodge was asleep. Jonathan lay there starting at the wall, his mind thinking a million things but also nothing at all. A few months ago he would have soaked in the embrace. Took solace in a physical touch that didn't cause him pain, but now he felt disguised. Disgusted by Hodge for forcing himself onto him two years ago and by himself for taking advantage of it for his own needs.  
He inched away from Hodge's hold and once more that day, made his way to the bathroom to clean himself up. He heard cawing from the uncurtained window, Hugin chattered towards him from the visible treeline outside. Jonathan could barely look at the crow without making himself feel any worse. Pushing the bathroom door open he immediately blasted the hot water and stepped under it. The scolding hot water scorched his scarred skin but still unable to wash off the thick layer of dirt he felt was still there. He sat on the floor of the tub, head down, his own fingers tugging his hair. So many emotions shuffled through his head all at once, the pain from pulling his hair giving him something to focus on, even just a little. The words useless, powerless and pathetic, among many others, rained through his head.  
"No, I'm not.." His own words felt empty, but still he tried. Tried denying the dark mass that weighed on his shoulders but it only seem heavier.  
A tapping startled him out of his thoughts. Jonathan head swept towards the locked bathroom door with dread. He frowned with confusion once he realized it wasn't the door. The tapping continued but came from the opposite side of the room along with a muffled caw. Eyes averting towards the window across the room just to see Hugin pecking at the glass, his black eyes staring back at him.  
Jonathan didn't know wether to be annoyed or relieved to see the bird. Climbing out of the tug, dripping with water, Jonathan unlatched the window. His skin chilled with the slight breeze, the smell of pine filled his nose. Hugin took a few steps forward to peck at Jonathan's fingers lightly. Hesitantly, he reached up to stroke the birds feathers. Hugin wouldn't usually let him touch him let alone pet him. Jonathan's shoulders sank, some weight lifting from him, his chest heaving out a shuddered breath.  
"Thank you," Jonathan's voice was barely above a whisper, the pitch black feathers like silk beneath his touch. He didn't cry, it had been so long since he had cried, but the relief he felt from just this bird was immense. "Thank you so much."  
Jonathan breathed in the fresh pine from the nearby trees with more ease now. The crow perched on the window, nibbled at his hand reassuringly. He closed his eyes, made a deep exhale and thought to himself, his mind wouldn't get the best of him, not today at least. He would live another day.


	3. Brother

**Short chapter this time, I was planning for a longer chapter but nothing was wanting to work for me. Hope y'all enjoy the heart stabbings. 3**

 **Brother**

Jonathan flipped the page of the book in front of him, absentmindedly. He was attempting to work on the pile of homework his father insisted Hodge leave him. His mind was just not wanting to deal with any of it.

Page after page of words just seemed to blur together, just making his head hurt more than it already did. Jonathan couldn't stand to even try at the moment when nothing was going to get accomplished. Before he knew it, he was absentmindedly scribbling his pencil over a blank sheet of lined paper in his notebook. He hadn't realised what he was drawing until he finally put the pencil down, or who he was drawing.

A ten year old with a lop-sided smile and, what would be, golden eyes, stared back at him from his paper prison. Jonathan could still picture the younger boys golden hair in the sun, it had been almost blinding. If angels existed, Jonathan was pretty sure this boy would have resembled one.

"Always have to be the center of attention, don't you." Jonathan smiled fondly. "What I wouldn't give to have some of your energy now."

Jonathan cleared his throat before running a hand through his hair, giving the stands a slight tug. "Dad said you're doing good. He says you're doing great in school and that you're getting along well with you're new family. He-" He felt his throat tighten painfully. Pursing his lips together, he attempted to swallow and ease the tension before continuing. "Dad's proud of you..."

The last words made him feel like there was knives in his chest. His nails picked at the wood on the arm of his chair. His eyes jumped around the drawing, waiting for a reaction he crazy for even expecting.

"And you're not even here," he continued, the tension riding in his voice. "My grades are perfect, I study till I pass out, I lie to myself everyday just to make it through another visit with Hodge, so he isn't bothered with it." His nails dug into the wood. "I do everything he asks and it's still not enough... I'm not good enough."

Jonathan leaned his head back, refusing to let tears fall. He squeezed his green eyes shut, hating that he felt so weak. Hated that he felt so tired every minute of everyday.

"I can't stand you," Jonathan gritted out. "but i miss you so much."


End file.
